I’ve been mostly struggling since the beginning of September. When Julie passed away, I was left asking myself the age old question of what’s the point of life when it is all taken from you so quickly. I was fortunate to be already seeing a counselor at the time. That helped, but still, everything I was pushing myself to accomplish at the time seemed so small and unimportant and I just lost all motivation for life.
I keep things together enough to take care of my son, of course. Groceries get bought and laundry gets washed and dried. Note that I didn’t say “laundry gets done”, because laundry has three steps, the third being put it away. Sometimes I manage. Sometimes the clean clothes stay in a heap on the couch and choose our daily wardrobe from there for a few days, until the pile is smaller and easier to face.
It’s come to that. Things like laundry and doing the dishes are big challenges. Often times, we eat from paper plates. One less thing to deal with.
He doesn’t care. He’s got his daddy, and I’m there to play with him and read to him at bedtime. I make sure he washes his hands before dinner, brushes his teeth before bedtime, gets his homework done, and takes a Flintstones vitamin with his breakfast. He’s got a home and, despite the clutter, he is safe and comfortable and happy.
When he’s not around, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I mean, I know what I should be doing, and could be doing. I just dont feel like any of it.
I’ve buried myself in videogames for the past few days. I’m kind of burned out on Halo 4. IPad games have taken up the slack. It’s not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but also nowhere near the worst.
Still, they’re kind of a grind, too.
Depression is a black jewel, with many dark facets. Loss of interest in things you previously enjoyed is certainly one. Right next to that, but at a slightly different angle, is simply the inability to experience pleasure. Anhedonia.
I’m tired, but I don’t want to go sleep, because I feel like I need to keep searching, trying to find one thing to make me feel fulfilled for at least a moment. Like today has been worth it. Like, I did *something*. Something more than just the bare minimum of survival.